In my study of getting at the roots of anti-Americanism, I recently have discovered (again!) that there is more to breaking through this anti-Americanism than I thought.

The other day my friend, the wife of a diplomat and I were talking. I was puzzled by something that troubled me. I noticed that I had a lot of people over to dinner at my place but many of the international community had not been reciprocating. So I asked her about it. She said that it was not because I wasn't open and friendly. She said my dinners were very warm and friendly. But you have to understand, she said. You are an American.

Well I let that one pass without asking her directly what she meant. (This subject is always such a Pandora's Box – it could be Iraq, our policies on the environment, the ugly-American businessman, our chauvinism – these days it could be a lot of things.) She talked about her own problems in socializing in Ashgabat. She went on to say that she found that many people do not like to be asked to do things that they aren't used to doing. I didn't think about making any connection to me.

Then a few days later I was talking about this episode with a Turkmen friend. I asked her to be really honest and tell me what my friend had meant by “You are an American.” She said Americans think we want to be like them but we don't. We like who we are. And Americans think their way is the only way. But we know it is not. So we smile and create a protective wall or keep our distance.

I realized that both of these women pointed to the same place. Even I, (intercultural educator that I am) can see the times when I have pushed too hard to do things in a way that I thought was the“right” way from my American standpoint. I have also noticed that when I have really been deeply curious about someone's life and ways of living and thinking or deeply reflective of my or America's weaknesses or faults, that I have people say to me, “You are not like other Americans.”

Sometimes it is simpler than all of this. I spoke to one longtime businessman from this area but who holds an American passport. The size of our homes, the great gadgets we have, the wealth of our possessions can also put off people from really trying to get to know us. They may not feel they can reciprocate in any real way.

Well, we are not going to downgrade our homes at post of course or give away our stuff, or change our progressive spirit and character as Americans. We can, however, find ways to help others break down those walls. I think we not only need to outreach more. We need to get others to let us in. I have been able to do so with these two women to some extent and so they feel they can be honest with me. Now I have more work to do! I think I need to practice supporting their ideas, for example.

If you think about it, and go slowly, you can start by building a relationship with some of your international acquaintances. After all we all want authentic relationships. Get to know someone by going to a coffee shop or tea room rather than have them over at first. Perhaps when you are really good friends (and the differences between your levels of incomes are no longer a focus) you can have them over.

I think we Americans can find creative ways to blend ourselves and our cultural values with those of others. To really listen to how others feel, think, and use their cultural wisdom to work on their future. I think we can become very good at discerning the threads that bind us all together in a wonderful tapestry of life.

Dialogue Skills Question: What can you develop good listening skills?

In my dialogue skills training, I found three kinds of listening that will create success stories for your outreach efforts. The first is really listening to the person speaking to you. Don't fidget or look away at something else. Really be gracious with your time and listen. Be curious about what she is saying.

At the same time you are listening to this person, you will notice that you are already thinking about what she is saying to you. This is normal but instead of just going with your gut response, try consider your response very carefully. Suspend any judgments and suspend any assumptions until you separate yourself long enough to make sure you really understand what she meant. Curiosity is a great gift in dialogue. You could ask questions to verify you understand why she feels a particular way for example. “How does it feel to be a gift to your husband?” This is the way to an authentic conversation. (This is a real story and the woman and I have become great friends ever since.)

The third kind of listening is threading her meaning and your meaning together to create something wonderful together. This kind of shared meaning can create something new, something that creates a new understanding for both of you. This is the most exciting part of dialogue I think. It is thrilling what two people can do together and how deeply satisfying it is to find each other fusing one another's meaning together.

Any other tips for good listening?

Outreach Question:Outreach Question: The United Nations Community

Don't forget the United Nations organizations when you are thinking about how to do outreach. Many times we diplomats focus on the host country or other embassies when looking to make contacts. The representatives from the UN community are usually very interesting people who do great work. They have a different relationship with the host country and that in itself is food for thought.

My daughter did an internship with UNDP over the summer that was very eye-opening for all of us. That deepened the small talk at receptions with all of the UN representatives. I eventually worked with UNICEF on a few projects and it was very educational for me. For my contribution to them, my Yankee ingenuity helped create a wonderful education center. This has led to dinners and great conversations ever since.

What do you do with the UN community?

Etiquette question: How do you remember people's names?

I am really bad at remembering names. A wonderful linguist told me that people learn languages in different ways, visually, orally or through the senses, tactilely or kinesthetically. And that once you discover how you learn best, you can learn anything. I discovered that I learn kinesthetically, by touching, or by writing it down. So now every time I am introduced, I ask for their names or cards, and then I write it down. I have remembered every name of every person to whom I have been introduced to recently!

How do you remember names?

Good Idea:

The Public Diplomacy Office has two area of interest to citizen ambassadors. One is education and the other is cultural. Both bring in speakers, educators or artists into town to talk with alumni, NGOs, schools or universities or to help in some way at the American Center. They also go out to American Centers throughout the country.

I knew that several of my international diplomatic community friends, our local Women's Club and my Turkmen friends might be interested in meeting one of them. The particular educator is a young Columbia University's Teachers College studying international education development and here evaluating the IREX program at the American Center.

So I created a tea at a local restaurant and invited my friends. One of my friends, the wife of the DCM of the Turkish embassy, brought ten Turkish teachers of English along. We all had a wonderful time discussing how best to help students learn. They were so impressed by this educator that they invited her to their school the next day.
She was delighted to talk so deeply with fellow educators and see children learn. I was delighted that they felt so comfortable with her that they invited her to their school. Another success story on the long road ahead!

What kind of outreach do you do? Let us know!