Well, Let's Talk About It!

2006-04-20T04:41:00.001-07:00

International Women's Day in Sahknin
Women As Peacemakers Conference: Changing my stereotypical views of Arab women

Women gathered from all parts of northern Israel to attend this three day conference held at Al Zahraa's new center in Sahknin the Western Galilee March 8-10, 2006 and co-sponsored by Al Zahraa, the Arab women's association, and the Dutch Women's Center for Development and Cooperation (COS). The Dutch participants were also guests in the homes of the Arab women who participated, presented Al Zahraa with a wonderful peace quilt and clearly moved by the hospitality. Everyone came ready and able to focus on the empowerment of women and to take action.

I participated with two of my friends. One an artist, is an American-Israeli. The other, a photojournalist, is Israeli/American. We could only stay for one day but that was enough for me to realize that I have a lot of stereotypes I need to get rid of.

"Arab Women are quiet and are basically sheep:"
The first day was designed so that the Dutch could understand the different issues confronting Arab women. One woman Aida Tuma Sliman (Women Against Violence) spoke about Arab women inside Israel and another Salma Wakimon from the Ibna al Balad, a radical movement opposed to cooperating with the political institutions of the state of Israel, on Palestinian identity. Ms. Sliman spoke about a recent study on Israeli Arab women that focused on all of the problems they face. Ms. Wakimon spoke about the need to understand their identity separate from Israelis. The women participants quickly became irritated at the overly academic and overly confrontational tones of both presentations. They began to raise their hands and spoke out very forcefully against the pessimism of the first speaker and the radicalism of the second. By the end of the first panel there were many voices and different opinions and mostly focused on the knowledge that Arab women can and should take it upon themselves to create the change they want to see.

"Older Arab women are totally under their husband's foot:"
The second panel was divided into “Leadership” discussion and the other was a continuation of the panel discussion. We went to the Leadership discussion. We were a big group and we sat around in a circle. The roundtable started with the plight of the Arab woman. It again began to get pessimistic so I asked them if they had come up with any solutions or practical advice about how to help women in the home and in their society. Immediately the woman to my left. grey-haired and elderly, totally covered in a beautiful soft grey burka spoke up. I have taught my children from the beginning, she said, to respect everyone in the family including the women, she said. No one in my household would dare to be disrespectful. Everyone then took up this point from her and agreed that woman can take responsibility to see that the girls do not get trapped. Creating good relationships with her husband and her children were key.

"All Arab women should fight against traditional values.
There was an interesting discussion on tradition. Some women, who were the minority, thought that women have to break from tradition and religion to really create change. But many disagreed. They said Islam has many good things to say about women. It is just that some men take advantage of some parts of their tradition to become aggressive or domineering. We should be careful to distinguish between what any religion says and the irresponsible acts of human beings.

"Western ideas of feminism are what Arab women need to study."
One interesting young woman was very clear about what women need to do. She and her husband (because she is so active in women's empowerment projects) discuss this issue a lot she said, and he is very supportive. She thinks that the most important development a woman can do is to develop character. That character is key to her relationships with her husband and with her children. When she develops her courage, her communication skills, and her understanding of the world she can be a great model to all of her family. This is the way to create real change in Arab society she said. Of course this kind of wisdom is true in all societies.

The Dutch women and we listened with great interest at the sounds of empowerment in the room. I came to the conference all set to support poor, timid and inhibited women. I left have learned a lot myself about the empowerment of women from them. I think these Arab women are finding their path into the world in a way that is distinctive and valuable. Not just to Israel but to the whole Middle East.

After all, gradual is good, dialogue is good, character is good. The ingredients for peace, wouldn't you say?

2006-04-20T04:41:00.000-07:00

International Women's Day in Sahknin;

“Women As Peacemakers” Conference:

Changing my stereotypical views of Arab women

Women gathered from all parts of northern Israel to attend this three day conference held at Al Zahraa's new center in Sahknin the Western Galilee March 8-10, 2006 and co-sponsored by Al Zahraa, the Arab women's association, and the Dutch Women's Center for Development and Cooperation (COS). The Dutch participants were also guests in the homes of the Arab women who participated, presented Al Zahraa with a wonderful peace quilt and clearly moved by the hospitality. Everyone came ready and able to focus on the empowerment of women and to take action.

I participated with two of my friends. One an artist, is an American-Israeli. The other, a photojournalist, is Israeli/American. We could only stay for one day but that was enough for me to realize that I have a lot of stereotypes I need to get rid of.

Arab Women are quiet and are basically sheep:

The first day was designed so that the Dutch could understand the different issues confronting Arab women. One woman Aida Tuma Sliman (Women Against Violence) spoke about Arab women inside Israel and another Salma Wakimon from the Ibna al Balad, a radical movement opposed to cooperating with the political institutions of the state of Israel, on Palestinian identity. Ms. Sliman spoke about a recent study on Israeli Arab women that focused on all of the problems they face. Ms. Wakimon spoke about the need to understand their identity separate from Israelis. The women participants quickly became irritated at the overly academic and overly confrontational tones of both presentations. They began to raise their hands and spoke out very forcefully against the pessimism of the first speaker and the radicalism of the second. By the end of the first panel there were many voices and different opinions and mostly focused on the knowledge that Arab women can and should take it upon themselves to create the change they want to see.

Older Arab women are totally under their husband's foot:

The second panel was divided into “Leadership” discussion and the other was a continuation of the panel discussion. We went to the Leadership discussion. We were a big group and we sat around in a circle. The roundtable started with the plight of the Arab woman. It again began to get pessimistic so I asked them if they had come up with any solutions or practical advice about how to help women in the home and in their society. Immediately the woman to my left. grey-haired and elderly, totally covered in a beautiful soft grey burka spoke up. I have taught my children from the beginning, she said, to respect everyone in the family including the women, she said. No one in my household would dare to be disrespectful. Everyone then took up this point from her and agreed that woman can take responsibility to see that the girls do not get trapped. Creating good relationships with her husband and her children were key.

All Arab women should fight against traditional values.

There was an interesting discussion on tradition. Some women, who were the minority, thought that women have to break from tradition and religion to really create change. But many disagreed. They said Islam has many good things to say about women. It is just that some men take advantage of some parts of their tradition to become aggressive or domineering. We should be careful to distinguish between what any religion says and the irresponsible acts of human beings.

Western ideas of feminism are what Arab women need to study.

One interesting young woman was very clear about what women need to do. She and her husband (because she is so active in women's empowerment projects) discuss this issue a lot she said, and he is very supportive. She thinks that the most important development a woman can do is to develop character. That character is key to her relationships with her husband and with her children. When she develops her courage, her communication skills, and her understanding of the world she can be a great model to all of her family. This is the way to create real change in Arab society she said. Of course this kind of wisdom is true in all societies.

The Dutch women and we listened with great interest at the sounds of empowerment in the room. I came to the conference all set to support poor, timid and inhibited women. I left have learned a lot myself about the empowerment of women from them. I think these Arab women are finding their path into the world in a way that is distinctive and valuable. Not just to Israel but to the whole Middle East.

After all, gradual is good, dialogue is good, character is good. The ingredients for peace, wouldn't you say?

2006-02-22T01:41:00.000-08:00

American-Arab Bridge Building – Try It, You'll Like It!

In January our longtime friends Jean and Phil Rosenberg came to Israel to visit us. I brought them to visit my friend Trees Kosterman in Sahknin, in the western Galilee. Something wonderful happened afterwords at a sports store after our meeting and I'd like to tell you about.

Sahknin is an Israeli Arab town with a reputation. It hosts the only Arab soccer team, Bnei Sakhnin. They won the championship a few years ago despite not having a stadium to practice in. Sharon promised one but it was the government of Qatar that finally came up with enough funding to complete it. Sahknin is also known as a site of civil disturbance and tragedy in 2000 when several people were killed during an angry demonstration.

My friend Jean is one of the founders of Imagine Peace Network, a small organization that funds women's programs around the world. Trees is the development officer for Al Zahraa, the Israeli Arab Women's Association. I thought Jean should see what Al Zahraa was able to accomplish and perhaps she could help in some small way. Trees, a Dutch women devoted to women's empowerment, is married to an Arab and has two daughters.

We spent a wonderful couple of hours together. At the end Jean and I decided we wanted to buy Bnei Sakhnin soccer memorabilia to take home as souvenirs. When we finally located the store our husbands decided they wouldn't come in so just Jean and I entered the shop.

When we went inside there was a man behind a counter. He looked at us, glowered, and went back to his newspaper. Surprised I went about the business of trying to make friends by showing Jean all the wonderful sports equipment, oohing and awing at this and that. I was hoping we could make him feel friendly but we didn't succeed.

Then I looked past him to another part of the store and saw that a man was on his knees praying.
I quickly moved Jean into another part of the store and whispered about the man so she wouldn't risk offending him. We looked at things in front of us but as we looked more closely we realized that we couldn't tell the difference between the team paraphernalia and the regular sports equipment. Everything was in Hebrew or Arabic which neither of us can read. Giggling because we were so nervous we realized we would have to ask the shopkeeper.

We went back to the shopkeeper and asked politely which were Bnei Sakhnin souvenirs. He looked at us for several minutes and then said, mostly in Arabic: You are English? “Yes, Americans,” I said hesitantly (we are not well liked among Arabs – actually this is not true – Americans are liked a lot but the current administration is very disliked).

His whole face lit up in a smile!

“You mean Americans are in Sakhnin? You Americans don't think that every Arab is a Osamu bin Laden???????? Americans are here in Sakhnin?? "

He was thunderstruck! He immediately took out a Bnei Sakhnin key chain and gave us each one. He showed us scarves, banners and apologized that the hats were all sold out but he was ordering more. The man who had been praying came over and, all smiles, helped us look at different possibilities as well.

I think we gave him something interesting to tell his family at the dinner table that day. And every time I look at my key chain, I see another chink in the wall that separates two great cultures.

2005-10-18T01:09:00.000-07:00

Trying to Turn the Page

This weekend some Israeli-American friends arrived for a homecoming from Miami. They made me realize how important these next few years will be here in Israel.

These friends are wonderful, kind and generous people. They are now Americans but they love their home country as well of course. Yet they were not at all nationalistic. We went to the husband's kibbutz north of Tel Aviv and he showed us the Arab villages in the West Bank which was all of a mile and a half east of the kibbutz. He still has family on the kibbutz and showed how deeply he cared about them. But he didn't have any fear or hostility towards these Arabs. In fact in Miami they were friends with Palestinian Arabs who lived in those West Bank villages close by.

We spoke about a recent incident in which two Arab boys managed to get through the Barrier Wall into an Israeli Jewish village. There was widespread panic and the schools were closed. We thought about what brings about such a dramatic response. It must be difficult to live so close to people you consider the enemy.

Many Israeli Jews, Israeli Arabs and Palestinians also don't know a lot about each another. There is a lot of information available, in books and on the Internet. Unfortunately once you have already formed an opinion about the “Other,” you don't go reading things to make sure your opinion is right. If you talk to people, you talk with people who feel the same way you do.

There are people who have already gotten beyond the tension. My Israeli Arab friend in the Western Galilee has a good friend in a Jewish village not far away. They are both passionate environmentalists and work together on projects creating sustainable development. They became friends because of their love for their work. And coexistence has become part of this work. In November they will put an olive harvest festival together. I am sure there are other examples of these small seeds of change as well.

There are small acts of kindness and understanding that we can do as well.

For example, I have two Earth Charter discussion groups to which Israeli Jews and Arabs attend. One focuses on dialogue skills and has been operating for a year. We haven't talked about each other's culture, more about the need to create a sustainable community. Sometimes NOT talking about a subject creates compatibility. Sure enough, one Israeli Jew has suggested that we begin learning more about Arab culture. And of course we are going to do just that.

And just in talking with Arabs and Jews we can add a small moment of friendship. We have our own diversity and occupation struggles in the US, after all, so we can be empathetic. Or we can express our belief that such great cultures can find their way to peace. Peace in the Middle East is in everyone's best interest. If you have any other ideas, I'd be pleased to include in my articles.

Dialogue Skills:
Silence is such an important tool in dialogue. Most cultures are much more quieter than we are. We are taught to say what we think when we think it. However getting yourself to allow time for reflection in a conversation between two people can be a wonderful way to deepen that relationship. To hear that someone has just spent time thinking of what you said is quite rewarding. Try it on your child or your husband too. It works wonders.

Etiquette:
RSVP – it seems to me to be a no-brainer to respond to invitations, but these days many of the most simple acts of good manners seem to going by the wayside. Many people just don't bother to respond one way or the other. Yet whether we realize it or not, our actions create what we want our society to be. Such acts of respect, like answering an invitation, is one way we weave that society. If we want a better society, we need to build that society based of acts of respect for others. Even if you are dealing with a culture different from our American culture, you can advance our standing in the world more by showing other cultures that we are respectful people than by demonstrating how casual you can be.

Good Idea:
I've started a Women's Forum group in my community. It is very simple. Some Israeli friends and I decided we wanted an evening to share our creative pursuits and thoughts about the world, and to help build community amongst ourselves.. So we meet once a month in someone's home for a couple of hours. People share poems or ideas or experiences and the facilitator blends all of the contributions together into a wonderful synthesis. It is great fun and everyone looks forward to the next one.

2005-07-18T14:19:00.000-07:00

Al-Zahraa – An Israeli Arab Women's Organization: Successful Women's Empowerment One Woman at a Time

Wafa Shaheen Itrad walked out of a Israeli Women's Conference in 1997, angry that despite two days of women's issues, only two hours were allocated to Israeli Arab women, despite the fact that there are 550,000 Arab women in a population of 6.5 million. So she decided to set up her own organization. She went to the mayor of Sakhnin and discovered that there was a women's group but it was run by the mayor's wife and they only shared recipes and sewing ideas. She created Al-Zahraa with friends from the Arab Democratic Party. Today it is making a great difference in Arab women's lives in the western Galilee.

Al Zahraa conducts women's empowerment and leadership courses in Sakhnin and throughout the towns and villages west of the Galilee. Trees Zbidat-Kosterman, the development officer, is a social worker from the Netherlands, and lives with her Arab husband and children in Sakhnin. She explained what happens at the beginning of each empowerment course. “At first the women begin to weep and then everyone weeps. Then they begin to share experiences and to advise one another. These women stay in their homes so they don't have the chance to talk together. Sometimes it is that their husbands will not listen or it is also because they are concerned what the neighbors will think. Sometimes they don't know that other women share the same kinds of problems.”

These days there are two additional problems. The men tend to take out the misery of the current conflict between Israelis and Arabs out on their wives, out of frustration. And, the younger generation, better educated and more knowledgeable about possibilities, are fighting with their more conservative parents.

The courses given by Al Zahraa try to bridge the gap and enable women to become more responsible and participate in the community. The individual success stories include a widow who created a catering service, another woman who is now a successful hairdresser, another who faced her husband who no longer strikes her. Women leaders from villages now come seeking advice, get trained by Al Zahraa and then conduct courses in their villages. Unfortunately it is difficult to do more because of lack of funds. Since Israel is technically a “developed” nation, many international aid agencies can't support Arab women living in Israel.

One trainer, Najah, a gentle, religious yet ardent activist, has an outing once a month for the women. They rent a bus and see an Arab site or go walking in the nature reserves. “These women,” she said, “just stay at home and get fat. I want to educate them, to give them time for themselves and to be together with other women. The trips are so prized that the 52 seat bus always has a long waiting list.

Al-Zahraa is a leader in women's advocacy as well. They helped to create the Arab Women's Network. In July they had an important meeting to develop women advisers for the local councils. These councils are required by law to have women advisors but they (both the Israeli government and the Arab councilmen) don't take this seriously and do not budget for it. “Usually the men get the secretary to take notes and then call her the”women's adviser.” Trees said. This conference, attended by Knesset members and the Ministry of the Interior, addressed this issue and created an opportunity for women to right this wrong.

Although the Arab women of Israel have their own unique problems, most of the problems they face are faced by sisters in every nation in the world. I felt tremendously encouraged knowing Al Zahraa exists, feel privileged to meet such wonderful women creating change. Indeed, with Al Zahraa, Sahknin, a winning soccer team and new stadium, an environmental education center and water treatment center that is state of the art, you can feel that something is happening here. For further information, please contact Trees Kosterman at Treeskosterman@yahoo.com.

Dialogue Skills:

I asked Najah what she would like to tell westerners about how to communicate with Arabs. She said not to blame something one person does on the religion he practices. The suicide attacks and bombings in London or here in Tel Aviv are done under the influence of bad people she said. These bad people are able to have such influence because there is so much despair. This is not an excuse, of course, but remains a compelling reason. In Islam it is forbidden to kill innocent people. That just like in Christianity, turning the other cheek is a part of her religion.

I realized that she was right. We westerners do not talk about Hitler's religion, or Jack the Ripper's, or Timothy McVeigh's when we talk about why they did such terrible things. We talk about their mothers, or fathers, or bad experiences in life. We should pay more attention to how we discriminate between cultures. What a great lesson from her!

Etiquette:

Trees said that Arabs are usually very accommodating to westerners and forgive a lot. However she gets really disturbed when foreigners do not pay proper respect and wear miniskirts and such on the streets of Arab towns. She thinks it says that we westerners can't be bothered to be polite. So heads up!

Good Idea:

Many of us may be uncomfortable and unsure about how to “act” with Arabs. Najah said that they really are open people and want you to be yourself. And remember that just as there are all kinds of American women there are all kinds Arab women. They also have the same spectrum of religious and cultural diversity. Some are Christian, others Muslim, some Arab, others Druze, still others Jews. You may not have many opportunities to meet Arab women but if you do, you already have what it takes. Americans know how to just be yourself.

2005-06-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

The Beauty of Sanctity

I'd like to take a minute to applaud the Israelis. This is a great cultural community. One of the ironies of watching the Israelis go through this disengagement processes is that you can criticize them for their treatment of the Palestinians and for not learning the lessons that the Brits and we Americans had to learn painfully when we mistreat our minorities. Yet you have to admire how they are able to search deeply within, their broad vision, and deep appreciation for art, music and culture.

I recently went to the Israel Museum to see their 40th anniversary exhibitions, collectively called Beauty and Sanctity. There are many aspects to this: In the Beginning: Prehistory and the Origins of Myth, Vanishing Point, about infinity, Capturing the Soul of Nature, Beauty and the Book, Saints in European Art, Sacred Beauty, Ideals of Human Beauty, Lights, light in its various representations, the story of the Wandering Bible, Islamic Art and Jewish wardrobe precepts, and the one I saw, the Beauty of Sanctity.

First of all, since I live in Tel Aviv, where people are more secular, I thought the Israel Museum would be biased towards all things Jewish. Well I was wrong. The Israel Museum is dedicated to co-existence. I also had thought that ALL Israeli Jews wouldn't appreciate the values of others. Well I was wrong here too. I saw real respect for the sanctity of other religions and cultures. I came away realizing that there is a capacity in Israel which is in many ways fitting, as the center of three great religions, to offer the world space to think about common goods – like beauty, like sanctity -- to lift the human spirit in these disturbing times.

The Beauty of Sanctity looks respectfully at sanctity from all perspectives and from different cultures. I was very impressed how many different religions and cultures were represented. Africa, Asia, Islam, native American, archaeological and contemporary. I was most struck, though, when I saw the bust of Hadrian, the general who is so favored in the rest of the world but who destroyed Jerusalem. How could they see sanctity in such a man, I asked the curator. Well, she said, other people thought he was a god. Allowing him to be part of the exhibition speaks volumes to me.

What really sent chills up my spine was a video of cars on the highway stopping as they do every year to pay tribute to the victims of the holocaust. I have seen this with my own eyes and was impressed. But seeing it in the exhibit of the Beauty of Sanctity demonstrates that Israelis see themselves, and all humans, as the ones who create sanctity.
American-Israelis, Ethiopian-Israelis, Iranian-Israelis, Yemenite Israelis, etc, and all of the tourists and foreign business people and diplomats. That we can create sanctity by trying to, today, in 2005. You can. I can. A people can. I think this is something extraordinarily hopeful. For Israeli Jews and Arabs. For Palestinians. For Americans.

In these days before disengagement when everyone is working so hard, and all of our hearts and our prayers are engaged, here and around the world, for the sake of those who have given their lives and for our grandchildren. We too are creating something worthy of respect together. Creating sanctity here in this beautiful place.

Dialogue Skills:

Make sure when you are having an important conversation that you understand where the other person is coming from. Not doing so creates lots of miscommunication. A simple question like, “do you mean to say – and then restate what you thought you heard --” goes a long way towards creating good and satisfying conversations.

Etiquette:

I think one of the ways we can demonstrate our American belief in the individual and that everyone is equal is to thank the people who wait on us. So many people just ignore the hotel staff who clean our rooms or the wait staff who take away our dirty dishes. A quick thank-you always produces a smile. And since we Americans are so recognizable by the way we dress and speak, people will remember that Americans are nice people.

Good Idea:

Think about sanctity in your life. Add it to your conversations with your family and friends. See how people honor.

Please send your thoughts, questions, answers and good ideas to Stephanie Tansey at talk@aafsw.org.

2005-05-18T14:06:00.000-07:00

The Power of Dialogue

Laura Bush's trip to the Middle East is part of an ongoing effort to show the people in this region that Americans can be helpful and likeable as well. I have my own recent experience to tell as well.

Bob and I were just in Amman, Jordan which was the final stop of a ten day vacation visiting the Gulf in countries such as Bahrain, Oman and the UAE. It was a vacation/familiarization trip since we are posted to Israel yet never really thought we would go to this part of the world. Sound familiar??

In Amman I contacted a colleague of mine. He has an environmental education NGO and I met him as a fellow participant of the Earth Charter Education Conference in Urbino, Italy in 2003. We had many long talks about peace in the Middle East at the time and created a very interesting relationship during the conference. He was very frank with me. He was so angry at American diplomats/Americans because of their/our support of Israel, our support of bad Arab governments, etc. He said he would have to refuse to see my husband if I came to Amman, but would love to work with me on Earth Charter projects. Because he and I agreed completely about the need to promote the Earth Charter's principles as a way to nurture a just, participatory and sustainable global society.

When we got to Amman, he was now in the role of host, so welcomed both of us graciously. Bob is a very friendly guy. He is also the Environment, Science, Technology and Health Officer in Tel Aviv, so there were many things they could talk about. I sat in the back of the car and just let them get to know one another.

He took us to “Wild Jordan” which is a wonderful eco-friendly restaurant, center and show-case for the environment – organic food, beautiful textiles and jewelry, wonderful view, maps and calendar of environmental events. It was a project of USAID.

As we approached the dining area, Bob asked if he had been in touch with the Environment Officer in Amman, and how many such civil society organizations worked with the US embassy. He said recently there was a reluctance for anyone to work with the embassy on projects (because of the conflict). Bob paused at this but didn't say anything.

At dinner I approached him with the idea of having an Earth Charter Conference together with Palestine and Israel. He nearly lost his cool!!! and said that it was not possible at this time. But then I spoke about the value of dialogue in my work. How the Earth Charter principles and our effort at living them could be part of a new sea change here in the Middle East. He then thought about it and said it could work. We could start by doing activities in the individual countries, he said, and then have a conference after that. You could see the sea change in him already as he became part of the solution.

Dialogue Skills:
The real essence and practice of humanism is found in heartfelt, one-to-one dialogue. Be it summit diplomacy or the various interactions of private citizens in different lands, I think genuine dialogue has the kind of intensity described by the great twentieth-century humanist and philosopher Martin Buber (1878--1965) as an encounter “on the narrow ridge” [2] in which the slightest inattention could result in a precipitous fall. Dialogue is indeed this kind of intense, high-risk encounter. Too little courage and nothing changes. Too much force and the person will get angry.

To be successful,a you have to connect in such a way as to remove the ingrained stereotypes, dogmatism or whatever prevents that person from being connected to the community of life. That is why heartfelt dialogue, one-to-one, is the key.

As ripples of dialogue multiply and spread, they have the potential to generate the kind of sea change that will redirect the forces of fanaticism and dogmatism. Your small efforts to talk to people in such a way that they see your worth makes you part of that sea change. The cumulative affect of such seemingly small efforts is, I believe, sufficient to redirect the current of the times.

Etiquette:

Email etiquette with Arabs – email and then call the person and discuss the content of the email. Don't think, like I did, that if they don't email you back they are not interested in what you have to communicate.

Good Idea:

Learn ten words in Arabic. Especially “Salaamalaykum.” Saying this establishes you as wanting to be inside Arab culture and not a stranger.
They will reply “Alaykumsalaam”
I used this a lot in Turkmenistan with taxi drivers and instantly created a rapport with them.

Please send your thoughts, questions, answers and good ideas to Stephanie Tansey at talk@aafsw.org.

2005-04-18T02:04:00.000-07:00

New Professionals Association Reaches Out to Diplomatic Community

The latest activity of the New Professionals Association (NPA) here at Embassy Tel Aviv is a great way to promote better communication! It was a panel discussion on U.S. foreign policy with DCMs from China, Russia, France, Great Britain and Egypt.

This event, which was held on March 4th at the Chancery and open to the entire American diplomatic community, was created by the NPA to get a better understanding of the views of others in the diplomatic community. It was quite an interesting event, and even though it was behind closed doors so the viewpoints cannot be repeated here, the value of having such an event needs to be acknowledged because it not only enabled the audience to become more knowledgeable but also enabled the DCMs from these countries to talk to rising American professionals.

The idea of such an event came from the 2004 Junior Officers Conference in New Delhi. At that conference, several third-country DCMs presented their views of American foreign policy to the entry-level American professionals in attendance. Based on the success of that event, our Tel Aviv representatives decided to do a similar event here. Over lunch NPA members Lisa Wishman, Jessica Simon, and Stacy MacTaggert discussed with me the recent event and the association's goals.

The New Professionals Association was formed for U.S. diplomats with less than four years' experience in government. The event is in keeping with their three goals: 1) improve entry-level employee morale, 2) increase basic skills and knowledge of USG operations, 3) provide exposure to and networking opportunities with American and foreign colleagues at all levels.

Because this is a large embassy, the entry-level professionals don't often have the opportunity to meet such senior foreign diplomats, explained Jessica Simon. “So events such as the panel enable us to understand and give us the experience to communicate with leading players in the diplomatic community,” she said. Summarizing the panel discussion, they felt they learned that much of the foreign policy of all countries is driven by established relationships that don't change all that abruptly. Certainly administrations affect foreign policy but relationships between countries develop over a long period of time. They also left with the idea that everyone knows the foreign policy of the others quite well. So overall, the event with the foreign diplomats was quite enlightening.

The New Professionals Association is open to entry-level officers and specialists from all U.S. Government agencies because they feel that knowledge of the diplomatic and official Israeli community is good for everyone to understand. The NPA has also planned two happy hours open to new professionals at other embassies to great success, and their foreign colleagues are anxious for more. Everyone has the same learning curve, after all.

This effort to be inclusive instead of exclusive is in keeping with the American spirit, don't you think? Good for them, and good for the U.S. State Department.

Dialogue Skills:

Lisa Wishman, who in the past lived and studied in Israel, gave some intercultural advice that could be of great significance: “In Israel,” she said, “no” is not “no.” It is the beginning of a negotiation.”

I am definitely going to use this gem!

Outreach Idea:

Want to get to know people in your host country? Sometimes, Lisa Wishman said, you need to invite them instead of waiting for them to invite you. “Israelis have busy lives, too – family obligations and classmates form close-knit circles that are hard to break into,” she said. But they are happy to go out with you and can be very warm and friendly. ”You need to get over being shy and just ask!”

Etiquette:

Lisa Wishman should hang out a shingle. She explained that in the U.S. we say “excuse me” whenever we bump into or move in front of someone, and in many general purpose type situations. However, Israelis do not. But they are not being rude, as Americans automatically assume: It is simply accepted that one does not need to acknowledge such acts. In fact, in China it is much the same. My Chinese colleague Mac Fan would say, “Stephanie, why are you always apologizing? Don't you realize the apology is understood?”

Good Idea:

Two days after the Palestinian election, the NPA invited experts on Palestinian politics who are also members of the Palestinian community to speak to the group on the election’s outcome. If you have a major event happening in your neck of the woods, you could invite major players to the Chancery to help inform your community. The more the American diplomatic community is informed, the more interesting and on target your living experience here is. I think spouses in particular would like such opportunities.

2005-03-18T02:03:00.000-08:00

Some ideas for Your Valentine
I am always interested in how women of other culture feel about their relationship with the men in their lives. They think of things that I wouldn't. We in the US, believe in the value of women, but at times we forsake relationship-building for making sure we are all equal. This goes for relationships of all types, of course.
I was recently in Amman, Jordan and came across a Jordanian women's magazine, Living Well (February 2005) and thought I would share some of the insights. It was an article about how to keep your valentine happy. Here are some of the better ideas:

1.Be giving and kind, without being calculating or keeping score.
2.Don't be afraid to disagree; have your own ideas and speak your mind. You can always do this in a diplomatic way – practice tactfulness and get your message across.
3.Show independence and inner strength. Inner strength is what strengthens a marriage, a family, and a home.
4.Communicate. Without communication, a gap grows between you and you drift apart.
5.Try not to go to sleep unreconciled. Negative feelings tend to grow out of proportion during the night.
6.Respect each other's space. No matter how in love you are, you both need space.
7.Admiration in a marriage is very important. It's not just about love. If you admire his way of thinking and his work, let him know.
8.Remember jealousy is unflattering, from both sides.
9.You need to be clever enough to find out how much emotion your man needs. Most men need a lot of emotion, while some don't like to get very emotional and prefer receiving attention in more practical ways.
10. Believe in him.
11. Don't keep score on things being said or done between you. At the same time, let him know quickly if anything is bothering you.
12.Notice the good things your husband does and let him know that you appreciate them.
13.Traditional husband/wife roles handed down to us are limiting – both emotionally and spiritually. Nurture the spirit of partnership at all levels.
14.Make sure he knows what makes you happy; otherwise he'll never have the taste of happiness.
15. Gibran said it; for in marriage “let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”

And the MEN felt THEY really want their wives to:
1.To be self-confident; beauty is not in a magazine, it's when you feel proud of yourself.
2.Not to argue with me, when I'm angry; wait till I calm down.
3.Give your husband a lot of love and affection, and you will receive exactly that in much higher doses, sometimes more than you can handle. Basically, treat him the same way you would like to be treated.
Of course there were silly and more intimate things on both sides but you will have to read the publication to find out.
It was my husband who pointed out the article to me so you can imagine that I have read it quite thoroughly and in fact, have begun to implement some of the ideas. So there is at least one American man who agrees with the article and I asked an Israeli man and he too agreed with many of them as well. Happy hunting!
Dialogue Skills:
There is an organization called National Coalition for Dialogue and Deliberation (NCDD) which has lots of tips for good dialogue. Indeed dialogue is becoming a whole field, just like conflict resolution, and others. One of their programs, The De-Polarization of America, use dialogue and deliberation principles to tackle the intense polarization that is currently dividing the US and includes The September Project, Let's Talk America, PBS Deliberation Day, Calling the Question and the “We the People” National Convention. Check it out at www.ncdd.org.

Outreach Idea:
As an educator I support the Earth Charter, an international document of principles for building a just and sustainable global community. So I created the Earth Charter Dinner Dialogues and invite people with divergent interests and skills to come to them. We have great conversations about what we can do to make a difference. It enables Bob and I to see how people here feel about the world. You might have a particular interest. You could build your outreach in the same way.

Etiquette:
Just substitute Jerusalem Artichokes for potatoes in your next batch of Rosemary Roast Potatoes and you have a wonderfully and delicious variation on a great crowd pleaser.

Good Idea:
If you are looking for a great doorstop, I was in a home yesterday and my hostess had taken a wonderful ethnic bag, filled it with dirt, and was using it as a doorstop for the kitchen swinging door. It looked great. I never think of things like that.

2004-11-08T13:59:00.000-08:00

Religious influences on the Abrahamic Religions

Recently I came across the fact that the three wise men who came to look for Jesus were majis from the Zoroastrian religion. I thought it might be interesting to look at this religion and its impact on the great religions of today. It influenced Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism just to name a few!

Zoroastrianism was founded by Zarathushtra (Zoroaster) in Persia around 628 BCE. Some believe he lived as much as 1000 or even 6000 years BCE. He preached what may have been the first monotheism with a single supreme god, Ahura Mazda. Zoroastrians believe in good and evil but that good, as personified by Ahura Mazda, is stronger than evil. Thus it focused on the ethical dualism within the human consciousness.
Zoroastrians worship through prayers and ceremonies that are conducted before a sacred fire which symbolizes their God. They dedicate their lives to a three-fold path incorporating: Good thoughts, good words, good deeds. The faith does not generally accept converts. It thrived most dur

ing the Persian Empire.
However it had great influence. When Zoroastrian conquerors and kings, primarily Cyrus the Great of Persia and his descendants expanded the Persian Empire to include much of the known world at that time, but never forced their religion on people of other faiths. This was a first in the area. During the first exile, to Babylon, Cyrus not only allowed the Jews to continue practicing their beliefs but returned the treasure taken out of the first temple and eventually this was used to build the second temple. The enriched cosmopolitan atmosphere of Babylon perhaps created the environment of much of the great commentaries of Judaism.
Zoroastrianism was very much the religion of Central Asia before Buddhism was introduced. In fact there is a mosque in Bukhara that has, in the foundation, the remains of both a Zoroastrian and then a Buddhist temple. In Merv, Turkmenistan, the ancient Silk Road city, there were Zoroastrian, Buddhist and Christian monestaries existing peacefully together.
The priestly cast, namely the Magi, also did their utmost to influence other people and guide them to the path of righteousness and Asha. After all, this was a moral duty, to teach others about the path of Asha, which is similar to the Buddhist Middle Way or the Golden Rule of the West. Three of these Magi, bearing gifts, skilled in philosophy, medicine and natural science, as well as astrology, believing that heaven communicated intentions through special signs such as stars. So if they saw a bright star they would have followed it. And this led them to Jesus in Bethlehem.
Some will say this story really occurred and others that it was placed there to demonstrate an auspicious birth. Nonetheless, the influence of Zoroastrianism today bears considering then and now. Adherents still exist in India and in parts of the Middle East and some of the ideas of Zoroastrianism have, through its cultural and socio-political influence, carried the seed of a world community that had previously been non-existent. Certainly the continuing dialogue on good and evil is a critical part of building a sustainable wold community as we are attempting to do at the present.
Isn't it nice to know that many of us are interconnected because of wise men of the past!

Dialogue Skills:
I am pleased to note that our own Ambassador John McDonald coined the phrase and the field of “multi-track diplomacy.” This was the subject of a 3 week course, Multi-Track Diplomacy and Conflict Transformation, I took at the University of Maryland this winter with my son David. You can read more about this great work and the work of the Institute for Multi-Track Diplocacy at www.imtd.org. The Ambassador graced us with his presence and spoke of the need for citizen diplomacy at all levels in the world's conflicts today. Later he stressed to me the great importance the spouses of diplomats can play in this arena. So you see, you are all really needed in the world today!

Outreach Idea: Interfaith dialogue
A friend of mine lives in the suburbs of Maryland. Her husband, who is Japanese and not known for being outgoing, decided that the overgrowth in back of the whole row of townhouses had gotten to be too much. He started clearing it away and the neighbors came out and began to help him with their part. They became quite neighborly. The deer now remain beautifully at a distance, and the smaller animals as well. Now they have get togethers to admire their work!

Etiquette: Watch out for Amerocentric diplomatic-centricism!
We had dinner with a Palestinian husband and wife (who I interviewed last month) in Jerusalem at our hotel. Even though I invited them to have lunch with us (so my children could meet a Palestinian family). But before I could, the husband insisted that we were their guests because we had come to their city. When I then suggested that we treat them the next time, the man asked Why? Why think that way? It is our great desire to do this. Isn't that enough? I have to chuckle every time I think of this scene. Isn't diversity wonderful?

Good Idea:
Traveling can really be a problem if you are watching your weight or needing to get in exercise. I have to really applaud my husband. Recently his blood pressure rose quite significantly so he has been losing weight and exercising regularly. He is now in Jordan and jogging every morning for 20 minutes. I think 20 minutes of exercise is so very doable. Sometimes 30 minutes seems a lot, but 20 minutes never does!

2004-10-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

A Conversation with a Palestinian Woman

Let's look into the relationship between Muslim women and their husbands. What is a family like these days? I met one woman through the Interreligious Coordinating Council in Israel (ICCI). We have become friends and she agreed to clue us in.

Sana Atari is a Palestinian woman who lives in a middle class neighborhood called Beit Hanina in East Jerusalem. She is the mother of two children. Her husband is a lecturer at Al-Quds University which is an Arab university. Sana teaches Arabic in a local school in Jerusalem. She has a master's degree in education and is pursuing her PhD as well.

I asked Sana to talk about her relationship with her husband, to tell me five things she likes about him. She said that he is well educated, listens and understands me; never shouts, likes the children and supports my life, education and career.

“Arab husbands are very warm with their families. Of course we have bad husbands just like you do in the US, she said,but most Arab men have a very warm relationship with their children and with their wives.” . “Prophet Mohammed,was very kind to his family, to his wives, daughters and sons. And we follow him in this.”

We talked about the woman's headress, the hijab. She said it was not a backward custom but actually expressed a woman's relationship with God, not with men. It also protects her from men. When I asked why men cannot be asked to control themselves. She said she doesn't know why men are the way they are. We agreed that in the US there are many cases of rape and sexual abuse, yet the perpetrators come from a Christian background and raised with the Ten Commandments, one of which is the rule forbidding adultery. Perhaps it is like this with Arab men. Sana said that when men are domineering and abusive it is because they are, and that it is important to separate the man from the tenents of the religion.

I told her a story about a Turkmen Muslim family. The husband was a drug addict and didn't provide for the family. The wife finally refused to feed him, since he was not fulfilling his responsibility. The result was that he died. Great, Sana said, because he would have killed all of the family by his lack of responsibility. I thought it was interesting that an Arab woman would have the same reaction as a Turkmen because although Turkmen are Muslim, Islam in Turkmenistan is colored by Central Asian Turkic culture and so there are differences.

We talked about the more traditional family. She thinks these women are just as happy being mothers as she is having a career. These women wear very expensive jewelry and bright and daring clothes inside the traditional clothes. They do not complain nor do they wish they had more independence but actually like their traditional roles.

She comes from a traditional family. Her father was a businessman and very kind to his family. The difference between her mother and Sana, she says, is that Sana will argue with her husband and her mother did not. We agreed this was similar to other traditional cultures in the world that are modernizing.

What made her change from the traditional family she was raised in? “Contact with other civilizations, through education, culture, computer, television, books and newspapers,” she said.

At the end I asked her what she wished for her children. She wants them to be able to choose how to live their lives. I asked her about her relationship with her father and she said it was a wonderful one, even though she wanted to be educated. She translated a quote from a wide-spread saying of the Prophet: “He who has a daughter and educates her well, and raises her with good values, she will shield him from the fire of the Resurrection in heaven.”

Would you like to get to know a Palestinian woman? Would you like to ask her some questions?

Dialogue Skills:

“This is part of what I consider dialogue – for people to realize what is on each other's minds without coming to any conclusions or judgments. In a dialogue we have to sort of weigh the question a little, ponder it a little, feel it out.” David Bohm on Dialogue

Outreach Idea: Interfaith dialogue
Why not build bridges towards inter-civilizational coexistence? There are many interfaith discussions going on around the world and in the United States. Here in Israel, the Interreligious Coordinating Council in Israel (ICCI) is an umbrella organization for many who are creating understanding between religious faiths. They have discussion groups around the country. I am sure that in your area there are discussions going on as well. What a wonderful way to meet interesting people, talk about commonalities, and learn to see things from another's perspective. And a great way for other nationalities to understand how American think as well. We all have stereotypes that we need to break after all.

Etiquette: Lending a helping hand
My husband and I were at an Israeli/Arab town and got lost on the way to a school where he needed to give a brief speech to 600 students and staff who were part of a Good Water Neighbors project. We asked a man how to get there and he got into his car and drove us to the school – a good ten minutes by car. How nice of him to go to so much trouble. People really do go out of their way to help.

Good Idea:
Save money, save the environment and clean away dirt and grime. Use vinegar! Instead of all those expensive products that are bad for the environment, I use vinegar for my bathroom and my kitchen. It is even great cleaning the bath tub ring and hard water deposits. It is great on metalic oven tops.

2004-09-26T19:46:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about: the Israeli-Palestinian Crisis

I have been in Tel Aviv for about a month. Here are some of the things you don't hear in the media:

Most Israelis, it seems in the short time we have been here, when the subject comes up, which it does a lot, at a café, have very reasonable views on the subject. They don't express any negativity towards Arabs or the Palestinians. They say that they believe Arafat is not a good leader. They feel very badly for the Palestinians. They also say they don't think the government is doing a good job of handling the situation.

Frankly I thought I would find more deep-seated racism. I guess I was expecting something like what I remember from the history of American or Asian racism “Irish need not apply.” “No Coloreds allowed.” “No Chinese or Dogs Allowed. “ I may still find it, I just have not found it yet.

On one of the recent holidays Bob and I walked from our apartment in central Tel Aviv to Jaffa. We walked along the beach. There were Arab-Israelis families next to Jewish-Israeli families. Not much contact but certainly no problems.

We had dinner with people from the Welfare ministry. One of them supports Israeli-Palestinian youth discussion groups throughout Israel. Another group, an environmental NGO, has an Muslim working with them, and has Israeli and Arab youth groups doing water conservation.

We are not allowed to go to the West Bank or Gaza. I know there is a lot of poverty there. I know some of the Palestinians have had enough of Arafat and want reform in the Palestinian Authority.

I know there are many articles in Ha'aretz, a great English language newspaper, condemning the Israeli Defense Forces attacks. Today, in fact, there is a long article about David Zonsheine, the leader of the Courage to Refuse movement. He is a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize to be announced October 8. I find it remarkable in a country that respects its army as much as Israel does, that such an article would
get on the front page of a major newspaper.

Of course this is the first month and this is a very complex problem. It is easy to live in Tel Aviv and have no idea (except the daily reports of killing (one side or the other) of what is happening only 50 miles away. You cannot hear the bombs drop, the helicopter firings, the destruction of homes, the ambulances, the weeping or see the carnage, living here in Tel Aviv.

There are many things I cannot see because I am too new. But I have my ears opened and will give you an update from time to time. Gaza is set for disengagement at the end of 2005 so it is an interesting time to be here.

Dialogue Skills:
On Dialogue concerning Religions
Difference can mean diversity. Similarities provide a basis for cooperation, but we must also be aware of our differences, and be ready to respect each religions role and strengths. Then we will find ways we can each contribute to the world. Global Civilization, p25

Outreach:
Outreach can mean respecting the resources of your host country's environment. In Israel, like so many other countries, water is getting scarcer.
There are other pollutants of course. We can create a better image as Americans if we are sensitive to the sustainable development of our host country. I was very happy to see that the wife of the US Ambassador here in Israel is a great example of this. When she arrived in Tel Aviv Israel had been suffering from a drought for many years. And water resources are always a serious concern here. She converted her decorative garden space into a desert landscape to reduce the need for watering.

Another spouse here is helping by reducing the overall consumption of water in her home. She is careful how she washes her dishes, reduces shower time,and
teaches her children good water manners as well.

Etiquette:
You are the Gift
We are just beginning to find our way amongst the people of the Middle East. We have not met many Palestinians or Arab-Israelis but we have been taught that here in the Middle East, you are the gift you bring into the home of an Arab. What a wonderful thought! When you do bring something for the occasion it is appreciated but not as much as you are. It leaves me with the fear that maybe, I am not a good enough guest!

So many times I think of etiquette in terms of gift-giving, thank you letters, and entertaining. It is hard to remember that is it really about your behavior as a human being. I hope when I leave my host that they are happy I came and that they felt I was a good representative of the USA.

Good Idea:
Israel has a Israeli Action Center which is an NGO attached to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. It invites diplomats to dine in the homes of Israelis on holidays. It was created because of all of the bad image Israelis have of being unfeeling, human rights abusers. We knew this but we were anxious to meet Israelis and so signed up for Rosh Hashanna lunch.

Our hosts lived east of Natanya, about a half hours drive north from Tel Aviv. They are a family of five and invited a brother-in-law. We had a wonderful time. The wife is a teacher and the husband is a technical writer and have three children. By the time the food and ceremony were over, we had great conversations about many things. There was no attempt to persuade us to a particular Israeli viewpoint. Only two families communicating about how to live wisely and sharing cultural riches.

2004-07-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

The Need for Inter-ethnic Dialogue Right Here in the US

I am on home leave, the kind of vacation in which you look forward to your next assignment if only so that you can be in one place and do the same thing day after day!!

Actually our tour of the US enabled us to get a good feeling about how Americans feel about what is going on in the world. Actually, despite the political campaign – let us not talk about that – I find there are a lot of interesting new trends in the US. I think the interest of young people in this year's elections, new grassroots efforts of all kinds, emerging economic ideas and trends that are more in line with the development of a sustainable world to be encouraging.

We had an interesting discussion, though, with my relatives in New Jersey. This family is not racist, very family-oriented, and have gone out of their way to care for my cousin's father who has Alzheimer's. These are blue collar, secular members of the New Jersey community. A loving family, careful to eat right and live sustainably. My kind of people. All around good American family.

So it was a surprise when I asked questions about the new mosque that is being built in their neighborhood. I asked it so we could find out how people are feeling these days about Muslims here in the US since we are about to head out to Israel.

They were not very happy about the Indians in the mosques. Tying up traffic, taking away their jobs, changing the neighborhood. My cousin said that what she didn't like about them was that the new ethnic groups didn't want to become part of the American society, kept to themselves and that that was un-American. Some of the girls had been over to play with their children, but the Indians didn't seem to make any effort in socializing with the other residents. I thought this was strange since it is my experience that ethnic groups can be quite friendly and welcoming. I wondered how much fear of the unknown had to do with her feelings.

The Indians didn't even like one another. My cousin's husband said that he was on good terms with the Indians at the convenience store. And he was puzzled why these Indians would talk nastily about other Indians who came in and out of the store.

I explained the people going to the mosque were not necessarily from India. Perhaps they were Pakistanis or Arabs because most Indians are Hindu. They looked at me but it took awhile for them to grasp this point. I think they lumped all of them together.

Then I mentioned that the traffic problems caused by the Mosque were not necessarily the fault of the Moslems because it was up to the city to focus on these things before they gave out building permits.

It was quite enlightening to listen and try to understand things from their point of view. My cousin's husband is a car mechanic. It is hard not to be threatened when you never work anymore with white people but only with Hispanics and others. When your neighbors are not familiar and you see your neighborhood changing.

I realized that this disconcerting experience may be happening in a lot of areas. City planners need to become adept in working through the ethnic change in their areas. Learning to be good neighbors takes learning different points of view on all sides. There is a need for intercultural expertise so that tensions will ease and the groups to work well together.

I am sure there is a growing need for people like us once we retire or leave the Foreign Service to help American neighborhoods. Hey! there might be awe might have a whole field in which we are the experts!!
Dialogue Skills Question: Creating a Shift of Mind

“A change of meaning is a change of being.” David Bohm

Dialogue becomes transformational conversation when, through its practice, people tap into another level of awareness, creating a shift in their thinking, actions and relationships with others. Dialogue 241

You probably have some experience with your children or friends where they said something so deep that it changed your perspective, it shifted your mind. Well, you can also do this consciously through developing your dialogue skills. The practice of dialogue helps you deepen your communication with others, enabling, many times through a collaborative practice, a shift of mind for everyone.

Outreach Question: Advice from a Native American

Minneapolis has the most native Americans outside reservations in the US. They have a wonderful shopping center where you can buy crafts, foods, fine jewelry or sip espresso in a great coffee shop, Wolves' Den, while listening to great music.

I happened to become friends with a woman who gave me some advice about establishing good relationships that I think is true anywhere you go. She said when you want to create a good relationship it is important that you bring along something that you have made especially to give to the other person. It could be something baked or beaded or a poem – just something that you personally create. Then the other person can see you are serious about the connection.

I think this is great advice. Certainly each culture is very different but the spirit of gift-giving is the same, Finding out how each builds friendships before you show up at the door is worth its weight in gold.

What kinds of gift-giving advice do you have?

Etiquette question: Advice from my mother-in-law

If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all. Such was the topic of discussion between my mother-in-law, Bob and I. We had just come from my relatives and were discussing how we can all get along together. Her mother taught her this and she brought it up to summarize her feelings about the problems of ethnic tensions. I thought it was great advice.

So many times I think of etiquette in terms of entertaining, and of course, etiquette is all about good manners. We Americans have a lot of good adages deeply entrenched in our culture. I think, at least I have, forgotten a lot of them but it would be wonderful to use them again as part of our outreach to show other people that we Americans know about good manners.

Good Idea:

I think we need to introduce into our societies, around the world, a new ethic – an ethic of coexistence. There are a multitude of ethnic groups in our neighborhoods, in our cities and countries and we all need to get along. None of us can go back to what was, so we need to find the way forward, together. Whatever civilization was before, from now on the essence of genuine civilization needs to be where we focus on the importance of self-mastery rooted in an empathetic awareness of others. That to lose sight of others is to become fundamentally desensitized to human feeling. By recognizing the importance of this kind of self-mastery will bring our humanity to fruition.

Please send your thoughts, questions and answers and good ideas to Stephanie Tansey at talk@aafsw.org.

2004-06-18T01:55:00.001-07:00

Well, let's talk about Iraq!

The situation in Iraq is a great way to demonstrate the importance on being interculturally adept! It isn't just knowing the language that matters. Although that would help! It is understanding the cultural interplay. The differences between Iraqi exiles and residents for example. Understanding Islam from their points of view and respecting that. And, understanding the internal cultural relationships that go beyond religious sects.

Of course there are no foreigners where I live who are in favor of the War in Iraq. And having just traveled to Uzbekistan, Kazahkstan and China, nobody there was for it either. I did get to talk to some wonderful contract personnel who are assigned to Afghanistan. I was really impressed by them. And it made me proud to be an American just by associating with them.

They were blue collar workers from different parts of the south, mostly builders of some sort or another. I was careful not to ask too many questions about what they did but I can tell you that they admire the Afghans a lot. They were amazed by the precision of the craftsmen who help build whatever they build. All, they said, by sight and a plumb line.

This was the first time they were out of the US. They were amazed at the poor conditions of the people and it made them really appreciate the life we lead in the US. Americans need to see how the rest of the world lives, they said, then we wouldn't complain so much! They saw that American's consumption of goods was not always a good thing as well.

One man said that being out here has changed him deeply about what is important. Before he went abroad he put his mother's home on sale. But then he saw how important homes are in the “greater middle east.” How people live in the same home for generation after generation. He went back on R&R and took down the sale sign. He realized that memories mean something and are more important.

His wife thought he was crazy of course. But he got her to read, on the Internet, about the culture and history of the peoples in this area and she began to see his side of it.

Another man has spent a lot of time with Croatians who are Muslims and was so deeply touched by their friendships that he said he would gladly die for them.

This Iraq thing may have a silver lining in it. It may be that so many wonderful Americans will experience, for the first time, life as it is really lived by our Muslim brothers and sisters. That might help raise the consciousness of Americans as brothers and sisters in a global community. And Muslims seeing how really great Americans can be will also be really helpful.

So these guys are certainly interculturally adept. Being real Americans – observant, friendly, open, clear-eyed, thinking out of the box – these are great American attributes. You don't need specialized training, you really need marshal what is already inside each and everyone of us.
Dialogue Skills Question: Interconnecting our realities

“Quantum physics explains that we are all interconnected at a quantum level of reality. Life is one whole, although it is difficult for us to perceive it as such. Reality is also constantly in motion around us, even though it may seem to be relatively solid and stable form our limited sense-dependent perspective.

Something like dialogue is a way for us to begin to get in touch with all of the many ways we are interconnected and are part of one shared reality. (Dialogue 41)”

A good way to look at the situation of Iraq don't you think?

Outreach Question: How do you start?

Our wonderful OMS colleagues here in Ashgabat decided they really wanted to get to know their counterparts in the different embassies here in Ashgabat. So they invited everyone to a lunch at a Turkmen style restaurant. Twenty people came and we had interpreters available in Russian and Turkmen.

It was very successful. The next one they plan to have will be in smaller, like-minded groups. Americans and Europeans. Or Americans and Central Asians.

What a wonderful idea! Now there is great American thinking!

Etiquette question: How NOT to behave in someone's home

My next post is Tel Aviv. I can remember vividly however, of a major faux pas of mine the last time I was there. It was 1970 and I was a volunteer at a kibbutz near the Sea of Galilee. I ride horses and was able get work with the cattle crew. The cattle crew consisted of Israeli Jews and Israeli Arabs. We got invited to the chief Arab's home for a dinner. I was the only woman invited.

I entered the home and sat with the men while the women served us. Everything was fine until I decided I had had enough to eat and motioned not to put any more on my plate. Well that was the wrong thing to do of course. Arab custom says you don't have to eat it but you can't refuse it! I had just insulted the host! There was quite a scene. Fortunately my Israeli Jews told them something like “she's just a dumb foreigner who didn't know better” and I apologized a lot.

I learned a lot from that. I am always careful now to inquire about the etiquette customs in a new culture!

Good Idea:

I am sure many of you already know about it but I have just discovered the Tales of a Small Planet website. I think it is great. Lots of real information and impressions about the post you are go, real people you can talk with. Check it out! It is creative and timely. I think it can really help us.

2004-05-08T13:37:00.000-07:00

How knowing history from many points of view can help you communicate.

Recently we had a wonderful Turkish-American over for dinner. This gentleman was originally Kazakh but his family fled the Soviets to Turkey and then the family immigrated to the US. He has been doing business in Turkmenistan for over fourteen years, so that is longer than most. He is one of the most successful foreign businessmen in the country.

We called the evening “The Nature of Turkmenistan” and asked him to talk to our embassy community about the Turkic peoples – their history and present circumstances. He said first of all it was important to realize that in Central Asia, people define themselves much more in terms of their culture rather than religion. For Central Asians, the traditions of the past go much further than Islam and the more you know about them, the closer you can get to creating beneficial relations. He said the five most important ways to create successful relationships with Turkmen were respect, respect, respect, respect, and respect. I have noticed this myself with Turkmen and through all

He also spoke about how widespread the Turkic peoples are – from Germany to China – from Siberia to northern India. About the universities at Bukhara that taught in Greek, Arabic, Chinese and Sanskrit in the first millennium. Al Bukhari for example, who came from Bukhara, created commentaries that makes him second only to Mohammad in the understanding of Islam. Architects and craftsmen from Samarkand created the Taj Mahal in India, geography, algebra, encyclopaedism came from Turkic peoples, for example.

At the same time I happened to be reading Life Along the Silk Road by the Chinese cultural scholar Susan Whitfield. It is a set of fictional stories that depict life from 700-1000 BCE from the viewpoints of a merchant, a soldier, a courtesan, a Buddhist nun, and others on this great cultural highway that ran from the Mediterranean to Turkmenistan to the capital of China, Chang-an. It became clear that the very Uighur who are fomenting in China today, actually were paid by the Chinese to fight their battles for them. They then turned around and extracted a contract with China that forced China to pay exorbitant prices for their nags and elderly camels for many years afterwards. To maintain the idea that theirs was the Middle Kingdom, the Chinese pretended it was tribute. She also showed that it was the Tibetans, not as religious people, but as secular Turkic fighters, who controlled the Silk Road for many years. In fact many of the things I think of as Chinese, like certain kinds of architecture, ideas, actually came from the Turkic peoples. In fact the Tang dynasty emperors were Turkic-Chinese!

I remember discovering something important while doing research for the well-known education historian Barbara Finklestein, for a paper on how war is taught in schools in Asia. It was that in the Chinese and Japanese documents before World War II, Americans were thought of as colonists. I lived in China and asked people if they still think of us as colonists. And they do. Of course we don't think of ourselves as colonists. This is not in our history books. If anything, we think of ourselves as spreading democracy.

This is one of the reasons, I believe, why there is so much misunderstanding between peoples. We are all taught different things. So when we look at each other, we look with a certain set of lenses. We all don't have the same truths!

How do you break down such walls? Well everyone has to find their own methods. What I do is say, as soon as it makes sense to do so, that I know we Americans are thought of as colonists, or that I know the Chinese were mistreated after they built our railroads. The change is immediate and they begin to open up and really work together with me. They don't blame me for what someone else did to them. They are happy that I recognize the truth as they know it.

The world is certainly an interesting place to live in. Just think what could happen if we all had a shared meaning of how we all got to this point in history. I think the future would be remarkably different. I think we could learn to co-exist.

Dialogue Skills Question: How our “Thinking” can cause problems

Think about how you think says my great book Dialogue by Linda Ellinor and Glenna Gerard. Fine-tuning our self-mastery is the start of creating good dialogue skills. Having a correct sense of the “other” is the next step. Notice when you make a judgment about someone. Notice when you make an assumption. Ask questions to see if your judgment or assumption is correct. “I heard you say...... Do you mean......? You may find, as I did, that you make a lot of assumptions that are not correct. At least you are recognizing them! You are on your way to creating real, authentic dialogue that will be very satisfying to yourself and the people you talk with.

Any other tips for good dialogue?

Outreach Question: What about these international clubs?

I decided to join the local women's club this year. The Ashgabat International Women's Club welcome members from the embassy, international and local communities. Each month they have a meeting and once a year they have a charity bazaar. This is not the kind of activity I like to do but I decided to see if I could help so I agreed to be on the Board. It was interesting to watch, and learn to respect, different ways of doing business and getting things done. At the same time I tried to fix some of the problems that prevent more Americans from joining. As we met throughout the year I realized what a great opportunity this has been to demonstrate that Americans can be part of a team. And we don't need to lead the team.

We turned the meetings into cultural evenings, and the bazaar into a international community event. We began to learn more deeply about each other's cultures. At the bazaar, many embassies were deeply supportive because they saw it as a way to show each other and Turkmen people, how it feels to be part of a global community.

It was a wonderful event. There was a great feeling of friendship and cooperation. There are some times when bilateral relations gets in the way of community, so supporting such clubs is a good way to create a different perspective, both for yourself and how others think about Americans.

Etiquette question: Social graces in the international arena.

I was paid a compliment the other day. Or at least the woman thought she was giving me one. She said, you are not like other Americans. You are open, helpful and friendly. I was really surprised. I think Americans are open, helpful and friendly, don't you? At least that used to be what people would say about us. I know Americans are amongst the most generous of people. It may be the times that are making us less wanting to reach out to foreigners.

As Emily Post says, don't try to be different from what you are at home, but be the same as nicely as possible. The way to relate to people can create an impression with far-reaching consequences. So maybe, since etiquette is a kind of social ethics, we need to think about being nicer to be around.

Do you have success stories?

Good Idea:

Creating movie nights with other diplomats turned out to be a great idea! Recently we invited the Russian and Kazakh DCMs (both were without families at the time) to our home for dinner and a movie. The movie was awful, but the men were happy to have something to do in the evening and to be part of a family again. At the time I was desperately trying to put together an Earth Charter environmental conference in Almaty. I happened to mention this to the Kazakh and he offered me free conference space at the Kazakhstan Institute of Management, Economics and Strategic Research.
I am just back from the conference which was a great success.

What kind of outreach do you do? Let us know!

2004-04-05T13:35:00.000-07:00

In my study of getting at the roots of anti-Americanism, I recently have discovered (again!) that there is more to breaking through this anti-Americanism than I thought.

The other day my friend, the wife of a diplomat and I were talking. I was puzzled by something that troubled me. I noticed that I had a lot of people over to dinner at my place but many of the international community had not been reciprocating. So I asked her about it. She said that it was not because I wasn't open and friendly. She said my dinners were very warm and friendly. But you have to understand, she said. You are an American.

Well I let that one pass without asking her directly what she meant. (This subject is always such a Pandora's Box – it could be Iraq, our policies on the environment, the ugly-American businessman, our chauvinism – these days it could be a lot of things.) She talked about her own problems in socializing in Ashgabat. She went on to say that she found that many people do not like to be asked to do things that they aren't used to doing. I didn't think about making any connection to me.

Then a few days later I was talking about this episode with a Turkmen friend. I asked her to be really honest and tell me what my friend had meant by “You are an American.” She said Americans think we want to be like them but we don't. We like who we are. And Americans think their way is the only way. But we know it is not. So we smile and create a protective wall or keep our distance.

I realized that both of these women pointed to the same place. Even I, (intercultural educator that I am) can see the times when I have pushed too hard to do things in a way that I thought was the“right” way from my American standpoint. I have also noticed that when I have really been deeply curious about someone's life and ways of living and thinking or deeply reflective of my or America's weaknesses or faults, that I have people say to me, “You are not like other Americans.”

Sometimes it is simpler than all of this. I spoke to one longtime businessman from this area but who holds an American passport. The size of our homes, the great gadgets we have, the wealth of our possessions can also put off people from really trying to get to know us. They may not feel they can reciprocate in any real way.

Well, we are not going to downgrade our homes at post of course or give away our stuff, or change our progressive spirit and character as Americans. We can, however, find ways to help others break down those walls. I think we not only need to outreach more. We need to get others to let us in. I have been able to do so with these two women to some extent and so they feel they can be honest with me. Now I have more work to do! I think I need to practice supporting their ideas, for example.

If you think about it, and go slowly, you can start by building a relationship with some of your international acquaintances. After all we all want authentic relationships. Get to know someone by going to a coffee shop or tea room rather than have them over at first. Perhaps when you are really good friends (and the differences between your levels of incomes are no longer a focus) you can have them over.

I think we Americans can find creative ways to blend ourselves and our cultural values with those of others. To really listen to how others feel, think, and use their cultural wisdom to work on their future. I think we can become very good at discerning the threads that bind us all together in a wonderful tapestry of life.

Dialogue Skills Question: What can you develop good listening skills?

In my dialogue skills training, I found three kinds of listening that will create success stories for your outreach efforts. The first is really listening to the person speaking to you. Don't fidget or look away at something else. Really be gracious with your time and listen. Be curious about what she is saying.

At the same time you are listening to this person, you will notice that you are already thinking about what she is saying to you. This is normal but instead of just going with your gut response, try consider your response very carefully. Suspend any judgments and suspend any assumptions until you separate yourself long enough to make sure you really understand what she meant. Curiosity is a great gift in dialogue. You could ask questions to verify you understand why she feels a particular way for example. “How does it feel to be a gift to your husband?” This is the way to an authentic conversation. (This is a real story and the woman and I have become great friends ever since.)

The third kind of listening is threading her meaning and your meaning together to create something wonderful together. This kind of shared meaning can create something new, something that creates a new understanding for both of you. This is the most exciting part of dialogue I think. It is thrilling what two people can do together and how deeply satisfying it is to find each other fusing one another's meaning together.

Any other tips for good listening?

Outreach Question:Outreach Question: The United Nations Community

Don't forget the United Nations organizations when you are thinking about how to do outreach. Many times we diplomats focus on the host country or other embassies when looking to make contacts. The representatives from the UN community are usually very interesting people who do great work. They have a different relationship with the host country and that in itself is food for thought.

My daughter did an internship with UNDP over the summer that was very eye-opening for all of us. That deepened the small talk at receptions with all of the UN representatives. I eventually worked with UNICEF on a few projects and it was very educational for me. For my contribution to them, my Yankee ingenuity helped create a wonderful education center. This has led to dinners and great conversations ever since.

What do you do with the UN community?

Etiquette question: How do you remember people's names?

I am really bad at remembering names. A wonderful linguist told me that people learn languages in different ways, visually, orally or through the senses, tactilely or kinesthetically. And that once you discover how you learn best, you can learn anything. I discovered that I learn kinesthetically, by touching, or by writing it down. So now every time I am introduced, I ask for their names or cards, and then I write it down. I have remembered every name of every person to whom I have been introduced to recently!

How do you remember names?

Good Idea:

The Public Diplomacy Office has two area of interest to citizen ambassadors. One is education and the other is cultural. Both bring in speakers, educators or artists into town to talk with alumni, NGOs, schools or universities or to help in some way at the American Center. They also go out to American Centers throughout the country.

I knew that several of my international diplomatic community friends, our local Women's Club and my Turkmen friends might be interested in meeting one of them. The particular educator is a young Columbia University's Teachers College studying international education development and here evaluating the IREX program at the American Center.

So I created a tea at a local restaurant and invited my friends. One of my friends, the wife of the DCM of the Turkish embassy, brought ten Turkish teachers of English along. We all had a wonderful time discussing how best to help students learn. They were so impressed by this educator that they invited her to their school the next day.
She was delighted to talk so deeply with fellow educators and see children learn. I was delighted that they felt so comfortable with her that they invited her to their school. Another success story on the long road ahead!

What kind of outreach do you do? Let us know!

2004-03-01T13:27:00.000-08:00

Walking in the Footsteps of Great Statespersons;
the Art of Creating a Sustainable Global Community
by Stephanie Tansey

The International Herald Tribune of February 5, 2004, reported Margaret D. Tutwiler, in her first public appearance as the State Department official in charge of public diplomacy, as saying that America's standing abroad had deteriorated to such an extent that ''it will take us many years of hard, focused work'' to restore it.

''Unfortunately, our country has a problem in far too many parts of the world,'' she said, ''a problem we have regrettably gotten into over many years through both Democratic and Republican administrations, and a problem that does not lend itself to a quick fix or a single solution or a simple plan.''
Undersecretary Tutwiler was referring to the findings of an extensive bipartisan study led by Edward P. Djerejian, a former ambassador to Israel and Syria. The panel asserted that American prestige had dwindled, that much of our nation's charity was overlooked and that the U.S. approach lacked strategic direction.
''The bottom has indeed fallen out of support for the United States,'' Mr. Djerejian, speaking after Ms. Tutwiler, told a Hill subcommittee in his first public presentation of the report.
I think all of us are concerned by the Anti-Americanism we see around us. We may wonder what an individual diplomatic family member can do. I think there is much we can do, at posts around the world and in the Washington, DC area, to help the world see us at our best. Of course we can choose not to make it our business and that is our right as foreign service family members. I think, however, that many of us do want to help in some way but might not realize that we have the experience and skills to start to make a difference.
"Etiquette," Emily Post once said, "is the science of living. It embraces everything. It is the code of sportsmanship and of honor. It is ethics." I think etiquette in this sense and diplomacy have something in common. The kind of diplomacy carried out by true statesmen and stateswomen also has a code of honor and abiding by that code creates good and trusting relationships.

Our contribution is in how we live. We can engage in effective dialogue and collaboration and create an environment that allows for the fusion of ideas and the maturation of relationships. Great representational outreach is an art. Entertaining itself is considered an art in Europe and Japan and hospitality a sacred tradition in much of the world. We have all been struck by the friendliness of other cultures and people. Although most of us only have indirect influence on foreign policy and public relations, we have control over how we engage with people.

With the right intent one can create an environment for effective dialogue, for collaboration, for fusion, and for the deepening of a relationship. How we create such environments for productive dialogue is the question. Perhaps it is a bit about reviving some of the old world social etiquette. The development of dialogue skills also has much to offer the diplomatic world. Today there are many ways to acquire those skills.

We can learn to creatively build bonds of understanding. We can learn to agree to disagree and do so graciously. We can learn to listen to foreign opinions and then lead the way to a degree of mutual respect. We can learn to hear better and change the things in ourselves that hamper that mutual respect. It is amazing how much judgments and assumptions, unconscious and conscious, can close down understanding.

Americans want to be considered as what we believe we are or can be – generous, thoughtful and constructive members of a sustainable global community. A sustainable global community enables the solutions to the big world issues to evolve. We are all in this world together. Global Security, Food, Water and other crises need the contributions of great American citizen ambassadors. We can start by rebuilding our dialogue with the global community so that a sustainable global community can become a reality.

Well, let us talk about it!

Well, let's talk about it!

My husband Bob is the DCM in Ashgabat, Turkmenistan. I have been experimenting here in Ashgabat with several outreach ideas and have interesting experiences to report. I am sure you do outreach of your own as well and found that authentic conversation makes entertaining worthwhile. Whether in your homes, in coffee shops or restaurants, or at receptions. Or international women's groups or school functions. As singles or couples or as families. I know I am always intrigued by the experiences of foreign service spouses. We always have interesting stories to tell.

Well, let us talk about it! I am sure we can bring together what really works and the faux pas will be gleefully acknowledged as well! After all, we are all learning.

I'd like this monthly column to be as interactive and collaborative as possible. We can ask questions, share answers and exchange experiences. We could also, from time to time, create an electronic forum and discuss a particular theme. Everything can be archived by AAFSW for easy reference and perhaps we could even create a book at some point.

Below is the start of my column. Hope you like it!! And tell me if you can offer a better format or add something that I have missed.

Well, let's talk about it! Discussion

Dialogue Skills Question:

What do you do when you entertain to initiate good or friendly conversations?

I become curious about their lives. I ask about their families. I try and listen very seriously. I am not a good listener so I have to concentrate on what they are saying . When they see I am really interested, they will go beyond the niceties and I will find some mutual or interesting point to talk together about.

I was told by a Turkmen that talking about family establishes a friendly relationship. I believe it may be true that talking about family is a very good opener in most places. What do you think?

My daughter taught me something. She always compliments women on their jewelry or appearance, or something in their home, to create an opening for conversation. I have found that this works very well.

Any other ideas?

Outreach Question:

How do you make receptions interesting?

We make it a point to engage our host country nationals and talk about our families. My son is a poet and so was an important official here, so that makes for good conversation. My daughter is studying international relations so there are many points for conversation as well.

At national days we focus on understanding the particular country's culture better and find ways to be friendly. For example at the Saudi National Day we were among the first to sit in their tent and drink coffee. I have found that because I engage with the ambassadors from Muslim countries I am invited to events that others are not.

What do you do?

Etiquette question:

What do you do when you are serving a pork soup and you discover at the last moment that one of your guests is a Moslem and doesn't eat pork?

I was serving Asian food so I quickly made up an egg drop chicken soup with scallions and served it to our Moslem guest.

What have you done?

Good Idea:

We built a wonderful group of friends who are also DCMs and spouses from different countries. We eat dinner together, watch each other's movies, and have gotten to understand better how each other's foreign service operates. The group has also come to consensus on many issues of mutual concern so building the group has been productive as well. We have also succeeded in drawing others to our group to expand the dialogue. I have learned a lot about what interests others and what moves them. Now receptions are so much more fun because we get to see each other and have a good chat.

What kind of outreach do you do? Let us know!

Please send your questions and answers and good ideas to Stephanie Tansey at tansey@usa.net.